I am.

I am depressed.

Not because I want attention. It's not because I feel ugly, it's not because I feel worthless, it's not even because I absolutely hate many of the people and departments that run my school and my life. I'm not depressed because of my family life nor am I depressed because I'm compensating for my lack of exciting familial backstory. I am not depressed because I am white or privileged or female or dumb or young or self-conscious. My depression does not stem from my lack of faith or my abundance of questionable knowledge. It's not because I listen to Hawthorne Heights or Fall Out Boy. I am not depressed because I drink too much or because of my addiction to coffee or sex or sugar or mayonnaise. It's not technology's fault and it has nothing to do with world news. It's not a production of my imagination. And it's not my fault. But it is my responsibility to hide it.


As I've delved into my senior thesis head-first, I've been trying to develop a vocabulary to deal with my symptoms. I'm transposing my feelings into this collection by making lingerie and underthings that represent the "darkness" that I feel when I am approaching a low, and then making overcoats, jackets, and dresses that represent the mask that I wear overtop my feelings. It represents my overcompensation and how I personally deal with what an estimated 1 in 10 Americans deal with.

I hate pity. I am not doing this as a cry for help or as a PSA. I'd have done that years ago. I'm doing this because I've learned to relatively deal with myself. It's nothing I'll ever just "snap" out of and it's not an illness that anyone should ever say "sorry" to (I mean, would you say "sorry" to me telling you I'm a natural blond? Or would you say "I'm sorry" to a friend who has come out of the closet?). The pain has dulled considerably since it's onset, but it's still not something I'll ever get used to. Art is an expression and I can't devote a year to absolute bullshit. This collection will be me in this current state of being, as imperfect as that may be.