Behold the Bratz Dolls

These were the sketches I presented at my first panel crit. I'm the kind who likes to develop a collection as I drape so many of these are going to go through a lot of changes, but they're a starting point!

I am.

I am depressed.

Not because I want attention. It's not because I feel ugly, it's not because I feel worthless, it's not even because I absolutely hate many of the people and departments that run my school and my life. I'm not depressed because of my family life nor am I depressed because I'm compensating for my lack of exciting familial backstory. I am not depressed because I am white or privileged or female or dumb or young or self-conscious. My depression does not stem from my lack of faith or my abundance of questionable knowledge. It's not because I listen to Hawthorne Heights or Fall Out Boy. I am not depressed because I drink too much or because of my addiction to coffee or sex or sugar or mayonnaise. It's not technology's fault and it has nothing to do with world news. It's not a production of my imagination. And it's not my fault. But it is my responsibility to hide it.


As I've delved into my senior thesis head-first, I've been trying to develop a vocabulary to deal with my symptoms. I'm transposing my feelings into this collection by making lingerie and underthings that represent the "darkness" that I feel when I am approaching a low, and then making overcoats, jackets, and dresses that represent the mask that I wear overtop my feelings. It represents my overcompensation and how I personally deal with what an estimated 1 in 10 Americans deal with.

I hate pity. I am not doing this as a cry for help or as a PSA. I'd have done that years ago. I'm doing this because I've learned to relatively deal with myself. It's nothing I'll ever just "snap" out of and it's not an illness that anyone should ever say "sorry" to (I mean, would you say "sorry" to me telling you I'm a natural blond? Or would you say "I'm sorry" to a friend who has come out of the closet?). The pain has dulled considerably since it's onset, but it's still not something I'll ever get used to. Art is an expression and I can't devote a year to absolute bullshit. This collection will be me in this current state of being, as imperfect as that may be.

A-muse-ing

a sketch for my
portfolio development class

When developing my concept for my senior collection, I've found myself relying on a few of the same influences for inspiration again and again as if they were a watering hole.

Hayley Williams of Paramore
idol.

Seeing as I began my process while in Italy I had to connect myself back to the comforts of home in order to feel sane and healthy. Music has always been an extreme influence on me (even though I can't play) and was a medium that has always solaced me through the toughest times. In high school, oftentimes, being able to point to a calendar date for the next time I could find a spirit of happiness would keep me content enough to keep living.

That being said, in Italy there were two major albums that came out and helped me through my brief loneliness: Paramore by Paramore and Siberia Acoustic by Lights. Listening to "Still Into You" and watching the music video could so easily plaster a real smile on my sullen face. I definitely needed the lift.

Even now, I keep finding myself scribbling lyrics from Paramore across every piece of paper my pen comes in contact with. They are just so applicable and are one of the few things right now that can make me want to really get my hands dirty.

Lights
picture by Matt Barnes

I guess I'm going through my pop-punk-loving second-wind. My music tastes made a turn off the grid after entering college and discovering my favorite bands were a bit too mainstream.

I guess its the correlation in that I'm finding me again. I have no reason to act cool. I'm a cheesey fashion design senior and nothing can take that away from me.

Except Pratt...