When I was younger, I never wanted to let go of anything; I would have to say goodbye to every single part of a hotel before I left, from the bed to the pool to the bathtub to those stupid plastic hanger bags nestled in the closets. I think being in a more innocent state of mind, the world is clearer (or perhaps it's more like one of those neato instagram filters...?) and you can appreciate life to a completely different extent. Awareness of evil really hinders one's ability to appreciate.
As I walk down the roads here in Istanbul, I've covered my body--wearing my uncomfortably hot winter clothes--, I made sure to put on my cold, hard New Yorker persona, and I have kept a firm awareness of my peripheries. When I came to Turkey as a child, I didn't have to pat my pockets every few minutes, I didn't have to squint my eyes at passing "strange" men, I didn't have the memory of 9/11 in my mind, and I had no awareness of what made me any different from these beautiful people. The wonder of my first trip outside America took hold and there was so much that made this land magical, wonderful, and absolutely enchanting.
I hate how jaded I've become and I really wonder when it started to take root. Although the abolition of innocence is by far very beneficial for avoiding trouble (for example: I have never felt the need to hug a homeless person or walk around Brooklyn barefoot), it also relinquishes feelings that are spontaneous and, dare I say, fun.
I remember entering Milan and thinking, "when can I go back to NYC?" My benevolence for change has definitely been in some ways acquired in the Big Apple. When you live in debatably the best city in the world, traveling just isn't the same. I remember a friend at Pratt saying she wouldn't consider studying abroad because "NYC is pretty much like studying abroad...it's like it's own country", and indeed it is. And I guess growing up really leaves you feeling like you need to find permanent shelter. Now that we have the choice to move on from the stability of our parents' homes, we need search out our own stability. Change is scary. New things are scary. New people are scary. And not looking like the people around you sure as hell is a lot scarier now then it was when the worst someone could do to you was steal your new box of crayons.
Ain't it fun living in the real world?
Dearest Leah,
ReplyDeleteThis message might evoke a bit of sensitivity so please feel free to delete it from the public eye after you read it.
My first response when reading your blog was a bit of surprise as to your disdain for the people around you in such 'warmer' South-European cultures. In my experience, while male attention is a problem, often a BIG problem in these places, I myself tend to shrug it off because Italian or Turkish men are typically all talk, no action.
But then when I realized what you went through a few years ago in New York, it reminds me of what I used to really be afraid of after a similar incident-- older men in a position of power over me (such as bosses, professors, etc). This is because I was trapped in a nasty work situation when I was younger where a much older coworker I worked under was pushing way too far with me, and if I reported it, I would have been asked to leave as an expendable worker instead of him. I didnt know that after I left the job it would have negative consequences, for example, that if a professor commented positively on my work in the future I would shut down and stop communicating with him. I was cold and closed to any older male who didnt treat me the same (and that would be everyone).
I was experiencing a mild form of PTSD. A very small percentage of those 'older males' will actually ever cross a line, and I have learned that there are often warning signs. For example, even though pointed politeness may seem suspicious, it is not actually correlated with someone's ability to quasi-kidnap me and try to force me into a relationship.
I believe my first, outside response to your adversity to any unwanted male attention was a bit too unnaturally strong. It really hurts me to see that you have been so deeply affected by an incident that it continues to bother you to this day, having deep-reaching consequences you may not have even realized were there. But I think the first step is to realize what may be affecting you. You mentioned your clinical depression (which of course isnt helping the situation), but I dont think it is the whole cause of it either. Have you considered counseling or even some own self-discovery challenging your sense of security, the potential of PTSD, and its triggers?
In the end, miss Leah, I think you will find that because of that difficult experience so long ago, you have developed the ability to be smarter about it in the future. I just wish you would find a healthy balance so you dont have to live paralyzed in fear.
With Love...